Today I will start by sharing my story, a story about one of my relationships. So I met this guy (lets call him Bob) through a friend, he was nice but older, well maybe four years older or something. Then I was still 15, which made him 19 at that time. He wasn’t the typical cute guy that you instantly just have a crush on, he was just OK looking but had such a great personality. We instantly clicked and we would hangout a lot as friends. We would talk about anything and everything and really it was never a dull day with Bob around.
This friendship went on until I was 18 and at this time we were practically best-friends. I trusted him so much and i was free and confident around him so much that when he told me he wanted to develop our relationship to something more I was actually like why not, we click, I trust you, you are my best friend etc. Unlike at 15, at 18 it was OK to date a guy who’s 4 years older. This was probably going to be the perfect relationship and me being the sucker for love that i was, I could already see us growing old together, with our cute little babies and our super big house. It was just perfect.
At that time I was happy with him and I trusted him so much I gave so much of myself to our relationship. Our relationship soon became a long distance relationship because I was going to college and so I had to move to a different town. We would communicate on WhatsApp and phone calls etc. This is around the time when all the problems started.
He barely had time for me anymore, he was always busy with “work and school.” Those phone calls stopped, the WhatsApp messages started decreasing, they would probably happen in the mornings and evenings. I would complain and obviously he would always say he would change but that never happened. Like a girl in love, I gave him the benefit of the doubt, I made excuses for him, I though I could change him.
I wasn’t happy at all in that relationship but the sad part is I let it go on for two good years. I kept holding on even though this guy showed me that I wasn’t even his priority. I had hope that he would change. I was staying in a town that was about a two and a half hour drive away but not once did he make an effort out of his own accord to come and visit me. The one time he came, it’s because he tagged along with some other guy who was coming to visit his girlfriend. He used to put zero effort into our relationship so much that it kind of became the norm. Things would always be rosy when I at home but the moment I left everything would just die.
He had all these female friends that he would take pictures with and put them on his profile picture and stuff, obviously I never used to be OK with that but he’d always say I’m blowing things out of proportion because they were just friends. What used to annoy me the most was the fact that not once was I ever on that profile picture, boy wouldn’t even let me take pictures with him. Now that I look back to all this I’m always like “girl, what were you doing in that relationship though?”
This one time after his birthday, he came with a new key chain, says it was a birthday gift from a friend, some girl (lets call her Lisa). What caught my eye was that it wasn’t just any key chain. It was a personalized one and it read something like, “Lisa & Bob“. This time I wasn’t having it, I’m like if Lisa is just a friend why would she personalize a something and put you guy’s names like you an item like that? Why didn’t she put something like “happy birthday Bob” or something? I obviously asked him to remove it which he did.
The other day I was on Facebook and I came across a comment on a friend’s post. What was interesting about this comment was that the girl’s profile picture was of Bob and herself. I was like wait, that’s my Bob and that’s definitely not his sister. Obviously I went to that profile to get a better look. What I found there shocked me. First this turned out to be Lisa’s wall, and it was full of pictures of Bob and herself. She had pictures of them together starting from about two years back, around the time when Bob and I started dating. They looked all lovey dovey in these pictures and this just really made me want to throw up.I was now asking myself whether she was the main chick and i was the side chick or it was the other way round. Up to now I don’t have the answer to that question. This girl had been in Bob’s life for as long as I had dated him. There were all these comments from Lisa’s friends that kind of pointed out that thee two were a couple. I could feel my heart breaking. I was so mad I just wanted to kill someone. I took screenshots and sent them to him. Obviously he straight denied it, said she was a friend who liked him blah blah blah. So I told him I wasn’t ok with his friends doing that sort of thing and I would only ever talk to him again after she took the pictures down. A few days later she took the pictures down.
These things kept piling and piling and it was hurting me inside bit by bit. He would plan BBQ gatherings at his house and not invite me, because he was probably there with Lisa or something, and when I asked he would lie his way out of it. What surprises me now is I kept holding on. My friends would always ask me why I was still with him and all I did was make excuses for him. Some people said that’s love but really is love supposed to make you that stupid? Is letting people treat you like a door mat love? Should love hurt you like that and reduce you to nothing like that? Is it love when it leaves you feeling worthless?
I started asking myself, what had I done to this guy to deserve to be treated like that? Why would he claim to love me and still treat me this was? Did our history and friendship not mean anything to him? Was I not a good girlfriend to him? Was I not pretty enough. What would then confuse me was that myself and a number of people thought I was prettier than Lisa, she’s not that good-looking, but then again basing a relationship on looks is a bit shallow because it takes more than looks to make a relationship work. What I knew was that I had done everything right, nothing was wrong with me, I didn’t deserve all that. All I had done was love him and all he did was lie to me and cheat on me and treat me like I was trash. I wasn’t the problem, he was.
It was at that point that I discovered that I was a QUEEN and I deserved to be treated as such. I deserved to be respected and to be loved. I was worth more than I was getting, I had to rise my standards. I was worth the effort, I was worth the sacrifices, I was worth the time, boy I was worth a lot more than I let myself have. This guy broke me, he was not the right custodian for my heart. My heart deserved to be with someone who respects women, someone of high standing, a gentleman at heart, not Bob. I could not change him, I was not there to change him, I was only there to learn to own the Queen in me. He was a lesson that I needed in life.I had to be broken to be mended, I couldn’t mend what was not broken. Right now when I look at these scars, they remind me of where I came from and where I am now. They remind me of who I am and how much I am worth. They remind me never to ignore the signs and never to let anyone walk over me like that.
Now I know how to stand up for myself, I have stopped making excuses for people. I try to not confuse stupidity with love. I protect myself, I protect my heart now. I love, but I don’t love carelessly. I ended that relationship with Bob but what I failed to do was get closure. I wanted to know why he did that to me but up to this day he denies everything. I am OK with the lack of closure because I told myself it was never me, it was him. I have moved on, I am now with a King who treats me like the Queen that I am. I now have everything that I didn’t have in my previous relationship. I am happy and in love and i feel loved. I am thankful for my past experiences because they birthed this person I am now, a better version of myself.
Dear sisters, find the Queen in you and own her. Protect her and give her the best. Every one of you is worth more and if he’s hurting you inside, do not make excuses for him. Protect yourself, protect your heart and know that you are worth more than gold. Do not settle for less, if he does not treat you right, get someone else who does. Do not sell your self short. If you where once broken like me, remember those are just scars from the fight for your throne. Do not let the pain control you, you should control it. Use it to create an even stronger person who can handle anything thrown at her. Use your negative experiences to create something positive out of you.
You are special, you are strong, you are worth it. You have your Queen now, protect her with your life and give her the best she can ever have. If you don’t protect yourself, no one else will because they are busy protecting themselves. Even if someone else vows to protect you, they can do so only to a certain extent, because they do not know everything that is in your heart.You know what you want, you know who you are, be that. You really are a Queen by your own right, and like the Royalty that you are, you deserve nothing less than a Prince.