Story-time- Find the Queen in you!

Story-time

Today I will start by sharing my story, a story about one of my relationships. So I met this guy (lets call him Bob) through a friend, he was nice but older, well maybe four years older or something. Then I was still 15, which made him 19 at that time. He wasn’t the typical cute guy that you instantly just have a crush on, he was just OK looking but had such a great personality. We instantly clicked and we would hangout a lot as friends. We would talk about anything and everything and really it was never a dull day with Bob around.

This friendship went on until I was 18 and at this time we were practically best-friends. I trusted him so much and i was free and confident around him so much that when he told me he wanted to develop our relationship to something more I was actually like why not, we click, I trust you, you are my best friend etc. Unlike at 15, at 18 it was OK to date a guy who’s 4 years older. This was probably going to be the perfect relationship and me being the sucker for love that i was, I could already see us growing old together, with our cute little babies and our super big house. It was just perfect.

At that time I was happy with him and I trusted him so much I gave so much of myself to our relationship. Our relationship soon became a long distance relationship because I was going to college and so I had to move to a different town. We would communicate on WhatsApp and phone calls etc. This is around the time when all the problems started.

He barely had time for me anymore, he was always busy with “work and school.” Those phone calls stopped, the WhatsApp messages started decreasing, they would probably happen in the mornings and evenings. I would complain and obviously he would always say he would change but that never happened. Like a girl in love, I gave him the benefit of the doubt, I made excuses for him, I though I could change him.

I wasn’t happy at all in that relationship but the sad part is I let it go on for two good years. I kept holding on even though this guy showed me that I wasn’t even his priority. I had hope that he would change. I was staying in a town that was about a two and a half hour drive away but not once did he make an effort out of his own accord to come and visit me. The one time he came, it’s because he tagged along with some other guy who was coming to visit his girlfriend. He used to put zero effort into our relationship so much that it kind of became the norm. Things would always be rosy when I at home but the moment I left everything would just die.

He had all these female friends that he would take pictures with and put them on his profile picture and stuff, obviously I never used to be OK with that but he’d always say I’m blowing things out of proportion because they were just friends. What used to annoy me the most was the fact that not once was I ever on that profile picture, boy wouldn’t even let me take pictures with him. Now that I look back to all this I’m always like “girl, what were you doing in that relationship though?”

This one time after his birthday, he came with a new key chain, says it was a birthday gift from a friend, some girl (lets call her Lisa). What caught my eye was that it wasn’t just any key chain. It was a personalized one and it read something like, “Lisa & Bob“. This time I wasn’t having it, I’m like if Lisa is just a friend why would she personalize a something and put you guy’s names like you an item like that? Why didn’t she put something like “happy birthday Bob” or something? I obviously asked him to remove it which he did.

The other day I was on Facebook and I came across a comment on a friend’s post. What was interesting about this comment was that the girl’s profile picture was of Bob and herself. I was like wait, that’s my Bob and that’s definitely not his sister. Obviously I went to that profile to get a better look. What I found there shocked me. First this turned out to be Lisa’s wall, and it was  full of pictures of Bob and herself. She had pictures of them together starting from about two years back, around the time when Bob and I started dating. They looked all lovey dovey in these pictures and this just really made me want to throw up.I was now asking myself whether she was the main chick and i was the side chick or it was the other way round. Up to now I don’t have the answer to that question. This girl had been in Bob’s life for as long as I had dated him. There were all these comments from Lisa’s friends that kind of pointed out that thee two were a couple. I could feel my heart breaking. I was so mad I just wanted to kill someone. I took screenshots and sent them to him. Obviously he straight denied it, said she was a friend who liked him blah blah blah. So I told him I wasn’t ok with his friends doing that sort of thing and I would only ever talk to him again after she took the pictures down. A few days later she took the pictures down.

These things kept piling and piling and it was hurting me inside bit by bit. He would plan BBQ gatherings at his house and not invite me, because he was probably there with Lisa or something, and when I asked he would lie his way out of it. What surprises me now is I kept holding on. My friends would always ask me why I was still with him and all I did was make excuses for him. Some people said that’s love but really is love supposed to make you that stupid? Is letting people treat you like a door mat love? Should love hurt you like that and reduce you to nothing like that? Is it love when it leaves you feeling worthless?

I started asking myself, what had I done to this guy to deserve to be treated like that? Why would he claim to love me and still treat me this was? Did our history and friendship not mean anything  to him? Was I not a good girlfriend to him? Was I not pretty enough. What would then confuse me was  that myself and a number of people thought I was prettier than Lisa, she’s not that good-looking, but then again basing a relationship on looks is a bit shallow  because it takes more than looks to make a relationship work. What I knew was that I had done everything right, nothing was wrong with me, I didn’t deserve all that. All I had done was love him and all he did was lie to me and cheat on me and treat me like I was trash. I wasn’t the problem, he was.

heart

It was at that point that I discovered that I was a QUEEN and I deserved to be treated as such. I deserved to be respected and to be loved. I was worth more than I was getting, I had to rise my standards. I was worth the effort, I was worth the sacrifices, I was worth the time, boy I was worth a lot more than I let myself have. This guy broke me, he was not the right custodian for my heart. My heart deserved to be with someone who respects women, someone of high standing, a gentleman at heart, not Bob. I could not change him, I was not there to change him, I was only there to learn to own the Queen in me. He was a lesson that I needed in life.I had to be broken to be mended, I couldn’t mend what was not broken. Right now when I look at these scars, they remind me of where I came from and where I am now. They remind me of who I am and how much I am worth. They remind me never to ignore the signs and never to let anyone walk over me like that.

Now I know how to stand up for myself, I have stopped making excuses for people. I try to not confuse stupidity with love. I protect myself, I protect my heart now. I love, but I don’t love carelessly. I ended that relationship with Bob but what I failed to do was get closure. I wanted to know why he did that to me but up to this day he denies everything. I am OK with the lack of closure because I told myself it was never me, it was him. I have moved on, I am now with a King who treats me like the Queen that I am. I now have everything that I didn’t have in my previous relationship. I am happy and in love and i feel loved. I am thankful for my past experiences because they birthed this person I am now, a better version of myself.

Dear sisters, find the Queen in you and own her. Protect her and give her the best. Every one of you is worth more and if he’s hurting you inside, do not make excuses for him. Protect yourself, protect your heart and know that you are worth more than gold. Do not settle for less, if he does not treat you right, get someone else who does. Do not sell your self short. If you where once broken like me, remember those are just scars from the fight for your throne. Do not let the pain control you, you should control it. Use it to create an even stronger person who can handle anything thrown at her. Use your negative experiences to create something positive out of you.

You are special, you are strong, you are worth it. You have your Queen now, protect her with your life and give her the best she can ever have. If you don’t protect yourself, no one else will because they are busy protecting themselves. Even if someone else vows to protect you, they can do so only to a certain extent, because they do not know everything that is in your heart.You know what you want, you know who you are, be that. You really are a Queen by your own right, and like the Royalty that you are, you deserve nothing less than a Prince.

xoxo

Opinionated Queen

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Think it, dream it, Do it!

Have you ever stopped to think of the things that you can achieve if you really put your mind to it? Every woman out there wants a good life, they want to leave large and they want to stay fulfilled. The questions is then, how many are living those dreams, how many are working their dreams into reality?

I remember when I was young, like 6 or 7 years old maybe, I grew up in one of those low density suburbs in Zimbabwe where we would go out to the streets and play. Every one of my friends and I had big dreams. We would talk about the cars that we were going to drive, the houses we would build, the businesses we would own etc. We were such big dreamers because we wanted to create a better life for ourselves. Now when i look at today’s reality I ask myself, where did those big dreams go? What happened to that ambition that these girls had? What really went wrong? Most of my childhood friends got pregnant before they even finished high school, or they they didn’t do very well in high school and gave up there, with no hope of developing themselves more. Some who didn’t come out well in high school took what they thought was the “easy way out“, marriage. I kept asking myself why people who were ambitious at such a tender age suddenly gave up like that? Why did they give up on pursuing a good and comfortable life?

The answer I gave myself is that they stopped trying. We let circumstances take control of our lives, we let them demotivate us and cut any string of hope that we are hanging on to. People call these “circumstances that are beyond our control“. These could be the economy, or social factors, political factors etc. I believe something is only beyond your control after you try to control it and you fail. As long as you haven’t tried to control a situation, you shouldn’t classify it under the things you can’t control.  My christian background, I learned about the power that God gave us over the world . Luke 10:19 says “Behold, I have given you authority to tread on serpents and scorpions, and over all the power of the enemy, and nothing shall hurt you.”  We shouldn’t underestimate the power we have to make things happen for ourselves. We have the power to control our lives if only we believe and we have the will.

ambitious-woman

Every one has a big dream and every one has ambition. What then differentiates the successful ones and the unsuccessful ones is what you do with your ambition. How hard do you work to achieve your goal? Are you a go getter or you are the other person who just sits there and waits for things to happen, and if they don’t you blame the world?  This world need go getters, it needs people who hunt for opportunities everywhere, people who are hungry for success and people who’s goal in life is self actualization. It needs people who are not out there to please anyone but themselves and people who put their all in working towards their ultimate destination.

My personal motto is “Think it, Dream it, Do it.” The first part of any plan is when you think about it. It’s when an idea comes to your mind and you like it. You see an opportunity and you actually get an idea in your head. You think, “from this opportunity, this idea could actually work.”

The next stage is to dream it, this is not the type of dreaming you do when you are asleep, but more like day dreaming, when you have full control of your thoughts. Remember when you had a crush on that other guy, and you would just sit there and think about your little world where you and him were actually dating. You would shut the rest of the world out for a moment, in your mind you were probably at the park with him or something like that, him making you laugh and probably giving you smooth kisses on the forehead and your were just happy and free.  It was a world you created where having something you wanted made you happy. It’s the same with the plans and ideas that you have for your life. Sit there and meditate about the plans that you have for your life, think of the end result and how it would make you happy. Think about how you would want  to achieve these things. I find this process beneficial to me because at the end of my “dream” I would have come up with a plan and a strategy. It is surprising what your mind can achieve when you give it time to just think and dream, clear of the world and its surroundings. It leaves you in a place where you can actually see yourself there. However don’t aim for things that are way beyond your reach. Ambition and reality should go hand in hand.

The last stage is to actually do it. You came up with an idea, you crafted a plan, you now have the strategy, whats stopping you from bringing it to life? You have the power to make it happen because all you need is a the will to do it. If its a business, draft a business plan and make it happen. If its school related look for a place to study, apply for scholarships’ study hard, aim for the est grades etc. If its a job , create a attractive resume, do activities that make you a better candidate than the rest, volunteer to gain experience, research on good interview skills and make yourself irresistible to employers. All you have to do is make it happen. You have the power to make it happen for yourself.

Your biggest enemy of  progress is yourself. If you doubt yourself it is difficult for other people to convince you that you are able. Before you do anything, believe in yourself. Believe in your own power and the many things that you are capable of. Do not compare yourself to the next person because her dream is not your dream, and your abilities are not her abilities. Your are unique and you have to believe in your own uniqueness. Everyone is destined for greatness, but it is up to you to chase that destiny. Be your own cheerleader and encourage yourself. If you believe in yourself it is very difficult for other people to bring you down, or to discourage you, because you know what you are capable of  and where you are going and so nothing they say will stop you. Also do not forget to surround yourself with people that believe in you, people who will help your dust yourself when you fall, and people who will encourage you to keep going.

Be the driver of your change and make it happen for yourself. Remember the sky is the limit as long as your believe in yourself.

ox ox

Opinionated Queen

 

 

 

 

 

Opinions of an uprising feminist 

It is only now that I have discovered that feminism is my passion.  I am still reading through it, trying to understand other people’s views towards the notion.  My deepest desire it to see African women free, independent and successful. To see them airing out their views and being heard, being viewed as something more than a baby making machine. Having their ideas accepted as something beneficial to the society.  

A number of modern women have already started working towards this, educating themselves and working towards the attaining the big positions  in organizations that were previously run by men, starting up their own businesses etc. We are definitely moving in the right direction.  

However, in my opinion, there are still a few areas we still need to improve. This is mostly to do with how we let people treat treat us.  

“People will treat you the way you let them treat you”

So some people  may ask how this all started, why I suddenly started to view the world the way I do now.  Well it’s a mix of my personal experiences, my friend’s experiences and pretty much stuff I came across on social media. It dawned on me that we, women, are much stronger than we let ourselves be. We have the direction of our world right in our palms. It is totally up to us to choose which direction we want our lives to go, or rather if we want to hand over the control of our worlds to someone else, but do we really want that? Do we ever want to not have control of our lives, to have someone detect what our lives should be like? I think not.

So often we have let people, especially men, have control of us. We have let people break our hearts without even trying to stop it. We let people stop us from pursuing our dreams and we let families force us into marriage. I believe the 21st century is a time for women to dream big, stand up for ourselves and be the best we can be without letting anyone stop us. We are our biggest weapon and also our biggest distraction. All we have to do is pick a path, believe in our selves and move forward.